This just in: I fail at life (was there really ever any doubt?)

After finding out that I am apparently so incredibly awful I suffocate the personalities of those forced to associate with me, I wrecked my car. I wrecked it so fucking hardcore that I have my first non parking ticket ever, an impressive Picasso-esk array or bruises, and it's going to cost $200 to 'dispose' of it (Fucking Roosevelt's, that care has at least half a grand of parts in it, and your gonna charge me to get rid of it??) I ended up passing out in the goddamn Commuters Lounge last night for lack of other places to sleep. I haven't gotten laid in four months and every time I turn around one of my friends goes "How's Charlie?" or "Wheres Charles?"when I tell them with varying degrees of bitterness that said person is in New Paltz and thrilled to be rid of me they get all confused and say: "but you where so happy, what happened?" I don't know what to tell them. Every time I see some random couple engaging in gratuitous displays of PDA, or even holding hands I have to resist the urge to throttle them with my head phones. So I get wasted off of cheap brandy, bum smokes off of old friends, and hit on barely-legal freshmen.


one of those will pan out, right?

 Fuck this noise, I'll going for the coby 5  (thats a 9th semester for you non cobleskill folks) maby I'll have time to sleep now


...


Bwahahahahhahahahahahahaha!!!!

ahhh, I crack myself up sometimes...

 So mum did end up paying me back the 200 (mostly) it went fairly quickly into food and the like but still. We're still not quite talking but she's nice enough when I have to call for one thing or another.

I got my wisdom teeth out yesterday (not bad at all, thank you modren meds) but I have sinse made the unhappy realization that Loratab makes me beyond bitchy. I say things that I don't even realize are bitchy untill one of my roomates points it out ot I remeber it the next day. Nasty (maby my 'good' shoulder angel is passed out, but the 'evil' one has higher tolerence?) 

I'm having to drop the team, that brings me down to 20.5 credits, 19 hours a week working in Prentice (I start sunday, yay) and trying to go home one day a week (hopefully get a lesson from Jeff) I have to take that many credits to avoid a fifth semester (I wont graduate untill december because of the intership, but I don't wanna take out the loans I would need once my tap/pell runs out after this spring) and with mom being...mom and dad going off all over the place training different outfits at different forts (pining him down for the child support will be 'real' easy) I can't count on outside money for the bills. I have a hefty refund coming back from my loans at some point, but after getting some esentials for the house (I never realized how much of what little I 'cook' involves a toaster over or microwave) a car, and the first six monthes of exorbiant insurence there is not gonna be a whole lot left. I won't have much time to breath or do homework/papers, let alone knit or paint.

Charlie is doing an amazing job of dealing with my nuttiness (actually he's managing to keep me fairly stable) despite the shit going on in his own life. Where did I find this guy?

aaaand a break from the emo bullshit to say why didn't I start reading Dr McNinja years ago?? (LJ is being a ho so heres the link http://www.drmcninja.com)

And why the fuck can't I remember the names of those damn places my mother made me volenteer?? stupid resume...

eta watching Geraldo ogle a barbie talking about boob jobs, wtf america, wtf

Soooo, my mother? NO grip on reality, really, NONE..

She wants to have all these things and does nothing but cry when she realizes she just can't, and  she cries all the harder since her whole life somone has allways steped in to make it ok and fix it for her when ever she has a problem and now the only person who can is me and I won't. 

I won't give up my apartment, my degree, my life so she can have her little world be perfect.

I can't raise my mother, I fucking refuse


She has this idea that she can have gramma home, go to the fair, do her gardern&goats, and have her 'babies' at home. All without losing any sleep (because poor Mommy and Polly just can't function without their 12 hours a night, plus naps) but know what? I love grandma, I love her more than I love any other fucking person in this family. But I know damn well I can't just drop out of college so she can avoid a few weeks in rehab.


fucking dammit

I left the camp just in time for grams to fall again and break her leg, the break is in such a way that it looks as this one is the fall she'll never walk from again. She hasnt had the surgery yet (they think maby tomorrow morning) and it's going to be rough (can't use a tounakit, huge incision, on a 83 yo woman with mild heart issues) so yeah, bad place right now

So yeah, my complete lack of social skills is biting me on the ass as usual, all the girls are now aware what a compleat loser freak I am

also the whole straight stalls thing being something I have never worked with before got me kicked in the shoulder today (i'm fine, just stiff) so I managed to come off as a incompetant loser, thank you world

and heres another kicker, every damn one of them is a fucking homophobe who derides lesbian/bi girls in one breath and fake flirts with each other the next

so yeah, I'm the odd man out, the only one with any homosexual leanings, the most inept, an this is looking to be a very lonely summer




yeah I turned the comments off, don't really wanna be comforted (just needed ro rant)

Gah camp! Running in woods after boys hunting imagianary birds with a blankie pregnancy! Bears! Thirtyfive ponies! Stalker chipmunks! Techno campfires! Teeny hyper british girls!! awkward scots/irish/english accent rubbing off!

CPR, first aid, epi-pen and all that crap today, insureence forms and fucks knows what else tomorrow

the food is awfull (worse than the college dining halls worst efforts) but cereal, walmart and oh-so-loving carpackages shall maintain my bountifull booty

salute!

P.S. thunderstorms are even cooler on top of a mountain

P.P.S. Charlie you gotta letter in the mail with authentic FV sceanery enclosed

another hour with my Charlie and then it's off to frost valley! Untill then I need to repack all of my crap :( boooo 

I kinda wanna steal his little sister and His parents are nice (this is even more noticable when I realize that not only are things not done for next semester but Mommey Dearest hasnt done the taxes yet, wahey)

So turn out the whole stepfather bit was just 14yo girl esq drama and he was back by the end of the weekend

I went to Jeff's today and it was just me and him (aperently a couple folks left and he mostly has breeding, sale, and training horses now) so I helped with stalls and turnout and such. KInda reminded me of all the stuff from home that I'm going to be missing out on (Minerva, Ginny, and yeah, Jeff) rather depressing

But! I shall see Charlie tomorrow night and that helps

All this comes hard on the heels of my Dear Ole Dad having some good news for a change. He's back on active duty which somehow means he's gone from working in a prison 3 hours from home to working in Gloversville and being able to go home after work (aperently he's training one of the divisions to be prison gaurds) he's also figured out how to get a new roof on the house and maby get my Evil soon-to-be Ex-stepmother out of the house and into a house of her own (his worry being that she's gonna spend her time pissing off landlords and getting herself and the kids kicked out) He's back up to fourth on the list to get a CO job closer to home and for the first time sinse he came back from Iraq he's acting like my Daddy again.

So natually I switch between wishing I could stay and help, to being delieriously happy to be out of here on wednesday, to worrying that they are going to expect me to use my money from this job to support the family instead of, oh, supporting myself for the next year. Does it make me a bad person? Maby, but I don't really think so. If my parents would rather make drama than money then I don't think I should have to pay for their stupidity.

So now, I have to go play geisha and chauffer to my grandmother before (hopefully) getting to go ride

heres hoping

OMFG I think Brennen did more hugging in this episode than any other to date! and that bit on the end where are facing eachother at the alter and bones is all "whadda we do now?"  and the pator smiles beutifically and they are all hmmmmm with the sly lookage? I NEED to see the nexy episode, like now

also, if I ever get over my terror of the married state I am SO going down the isle to a rockin harpist (so cool) my dad would take me down the isle in a leather jacket so thats a non issue

Soooo, turns out she broke her arm and thats why she didn't get back to me. Now we have gotten as far as her saying everything looks good, she's gonna make me an offer and what was the date I can work too again (my classes start the same day the last camp group starts, so I don't know how thats gonna work)

So now... I wait *dududu duuuuuuun*

My awsome boyfriend is back downstate 
BOOOOOOOOOO
and of course he so incredibly sweet and wonderfull I keep wasting perfectly good internet/knitting/reading/thunderstormwatching/booze swilling time mooning over him like a twit

For shame Charlie, for shame

Yeah the spring thunderstorms are in full glorious force out here, I scared the crap out of the sformentioned male person when I went out into one at school screaming and gibbering like a mad woman. Nothing like losing it in a warm rain after a muggy day. The thunder keeps going outside my window, am I nuts for thinking it's a soothing sound? Drives my sister batty (which is an excelent reason to love it has nothing to do with my obsession, really)

I think Minerva knows I'm gonna be gone for most of the summer; she hasnt been outside of 20ft from me for more than 5 minutes at any point that I have been home. Maby the summer camp will let me take her (doubtfull)

ahhh, awsome, the rain just started, so pretty....

So I sent her I references on tuesday and she said she would call them wednesday, as far as I know noone has heard from her (uhoh) and she hasnt contacted me. I called her this afternoon and left a message, I reaaaally want this job, please no walmart!

An hehehe, I am sooo teachers pet, that anoying team caption who adors holding a grudge (I made sure me fucking up the presentation wouldent hurt her grade, dammit!) thought it would be cute to accelerate past me on the long steep hill that leads up to the dairy barn and equine center, and then pick up a different girl 100 yards up the hill >. > I ended up with a fucked up muscle in my shoulder from my heavy ass bag (damn you library books!) and a thumb sized blister on my heel that only made it two days before I gave in and popped it (I am weak yes, but is was sooo squishy and oozy, and I could see little bits of Jessie fleash floating in it throught the skin....0.o)

But then I ran into Jeff (teh professon for this lovely advanced stock seat class) and told him to remind me to tell him why I was pissed on the way home (he lives right by me so he gives me ride in his kickass new diesal dually) he made me tell him then, he got pissed and made sure I got the good horse and actually gave me as much of a lesson as anyone else (I usually get shafted at the college lessons what with me bein there every weekend) so me an that little mare where workin it. The shock on their faces when they realized, hey, maby shes a better rider than most of us? None of them ever got Cashmir to look like that *smirk* 

so enough with the ego trip allready, I really have been speading all my time freaking over classes, family, friends etc The poor boyfriend has been having to deal with me trying to find some equilibrium (ie acting like a compleate fucking busted nut) flipping out in the thunderstorm yesterday went a long way towards me finding some stability

ohhh, and the cat that followed one of my rommies for next year into the dorm has tapeworms, fleas, earmites and is Cryptorchid (a fancy latin way one sayin he's uni-balled, or rather that one of his testes decided to stay inside his body) so it's gonna cost 250 to get him fixed and we are up to 5 cats in the house (and Morgans dog, my ferret, Lee's gecko and maby a snake and a rabbit, OMFG) all this in our tiny 2 bedroom house, I see a whole lotta scrubbing coming up :D

so the rage is gone, the angst is gone (I will pretending it didn't happen just as hard as I can without deleting posts) and I had an AWSOME phone interview with this summer camp, it went really well and the job sound pretty damn cool, I just have to e-mail her two more references (Mr E? Doc? Mr Moore? Lee? Gotta call 'em) to prove I'm "who you say you are and not a serial killer or anything" I'm kinda trying to keep myself from getting to excited over it incase it ends up not happening *crosses fingers*

my permit finally came in today, I just gotta get ahold of my 5hr again and sch the test I really need to get that out of the way (If I diddnt loose me 5hr cert all the time and fail the test that one time this wouldent be a problem x.x) I feel like a freakin idiot for being 20 and without a liscense

Mildly annoyed with a couple friends of mine, one for her complete stupidity about her own nature and another about her complete stupidity about others ( -  .-) whatever, I can always stop being friends with the one and the other is still a amazing fun person to be around (and her personal choices are none of my damn business anyway)

My crazy fetch-playing, internet/e-mail savy cat should be back tomorrow freashly de-queened (I maintain she never peed in moms bed, mom probably did it herself, so there) I can't wait :D I miss my girl, one problem with this job is I really doubt I'll be able to take her with me

Havent been to Jeffs in a while (I'm starting to get the idea he's annoyed with me, kinda worrying) I called him today and he never called back, I'll try again tomorrow and see how it goes If he says I can't ride this weekend again (assuming I can get him on the fucking phone) I think I'll go over to VAs (if she isent working)I havent seen anywhere near enough of my best friend to suit me and I can't take her to the Catskills either!

Cranking up the metal and locking the doors helps, the beat and vibration of the music pound into me leaching out the poisen and the fucking rage, forcing past whatever it was that made me run up here in the first place. 

Problem is, all it leaves is the raw, bare bones of what happend, what I did, and everything that is really fucking with my head

How exactly I fucking rate

Goddammit, maby I should have punched her in her self rightous, self important, prissy little favorite-child face

I need to get the fuck out of here

I'm so fucking tired



Comments disabled because I really don't wanna hear it

Ahhh, Dell, I love you and I hate you. See, your cheap materials suck, and the cost of your warrentee is insane, but oh how sweet and sparkly my baby is after your surprisingly swift and efficent repair job....

Also, Horse Bitches? Dienowpleasethx, could you maby keep your (possibly justified) personal feelings out of team events? I know I fucked up but abusing your position as Lead Bitch in your little vendetta is a smiiiidge over the top. If not for the Lovely Luscious Lee I would have snapped by now, really

An could people please stop telling me that my dream is pointless and stupid? I am aware how rough it is to make a living with horses, really, your constant reiteration id not needed.

Sweet Lovely kitten, I am very proud of your new e-mailing skills, and I'm sorry you are all needy and achey. However continiued raping of my feet will not be tolerated. I would very much appritiate you calming down untill you and Lee's kitty can make some time together in August kplzthx

I neeed a job, is looking like I may be waiting tables and paying Jeff to let me play with his horses instead of just getting paid to work with horses, dammit (or, hell forbid, working @ Wallyworld, ohhh my soul hurts at the idea...)

The Hooves of the Horses

The hooves of the horses - O' Witching and Sweet,
is the music earth steals from the iron-shod feet;
No whisper of lover, no trilling of bird,
Can stir me as hooves of the horses have stirred.

They spurn disappointment and trample despair,
and drown with their drum beats the challenge of care,
With scarlet and silk for their banners above,
they are swifter than fortune and sweeter than love.

On the wings of the morning they gather and fly,
In the hush of the night-time I hear them go by-
The horses of memory thundering through
With flashing white fetlocks all wet with the dew.

When you lay me to slumber no spot you can choose,
but will ring to the rhythm of galloping shoes,
and under the daisies no grave be so deep
but the hooves of the horses shall sound in my sleep.

-Will H. Ogilvie from Galloping When I was seven-ish I decided I wanted this on my gravestone, really